Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Inconvenient pain

I'm worried and I'm irritated that I'm worried because, dammit, it's a public holiday here today and I can't do anything about the worry until tomorrow, or possibly Thursday. Well, I could, but that would require going to an emergency room for something I'm not sure yet is actually an emergency. If I go there and they prod and they poke and they send me home like they did 6 years ago, I'll be miffed. Not that I want it to be serious. But if it's not, I'd rather just go to my normal GP. So we wait. And we read articles on the Internet and try to maintain rationality. Not knowing whether rest or activity is the best route to take is frustrating, though since the former hasn't done squat over the past two days, maybe it's time to do the latter and hope I don't make things worse. Whatever "things" are.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

It's just a Tuesday

I thought I'd be ok. The morning dawned and I thought I was alright. "It's just another day" was what I kept repeating in my head. No pink confetti. No hearts and mushiness. I thought I was alright. And then a friend offered me a hug and the tears immediately started streaming.

I don't know why I am still struggling with this. I am trying to think positive thoughts, to focus on the beauty and serenity around me, here in this game park with nature in full force all about.

But there it is. That maw, continuously waiting and pulling me towards it. I want to give in and wallow. But I know I shouldn't. So instead I am writing this down. I am going to go on a game drive and try to smile and take joy from any and all sightings I see. Keep the maw at bay.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, 29 January 2017

Sad and heartsore

Last night was rough. With two bottles of wine and a pizza, I experienced the most amicable, heart-rendering break up of my life. It was the rational, logical decision, and we discussed it thoroughly before coming to the conclusion that in the long run, we may just be too different. So, end it now before we start to resent each other over lost time. Logical. Rational. But it hurts quite a lot. Break-ups are so much easier when you dislike the other person, or you don't care anymore. Something like this though, when we both still care about the other, dammit. It's hard.

There was a lot of crying from both of us (he at least can cry with only water works, whereas I automatically get blotchy and snotty to boot). As I came into my lounge this morning, the aftermath of last night is still all around me: empty wine bottles, empty pizza box, crumpled up tissues everywhere. And I've started crying again. I feel a bit empty as well.

I'm not very good at letting go, so it's going to be a physical and mental effort to sever the ties, at least for a while so that we can let the emotions die down, and then hopefully find a space where we can still be in each other's life. My social circle is so small, and I've realised that he had become the person to whom I told the small things about my day.

I don't regret the last 8 months (and it was exactly that, as yesterday was our 8 month anniversary - the wine was meant for a different tone). I do, however, regret not fighting for this more when I had the chance. There is no point to "what if's", but my mind being what it is, I know they'll plague me for a long while.

Kyle, I wish you well; please know you were a wonderful boyfriend, and I'll miss us. You've set the bar by which any who follow will be measured.