Thursday, 26 September 2013

Need directions to Flirtville

Ok so I have a crush, and I feel like I am back in high school with NO CLUE what I'm doing. I know I used to be a flirtatious person; my friends used to accuse me of flirting when I didn't even realise that was what I was doing. For many people the line between friendly and flirtatious is narrow and easily missed. For me now, I feel like I am on the friendly side but have forgotten how to get across the line, which yes, I want to do.

I am sure I am not the only person to go blank during a conversation, internally freaking out about what to say, only to agonise over it later when the 'cool' response comes into my brain and thinking "Now why couldn't I have said that then?!" I detest these moments. Oh to be smooth and relaxed and just go with the conversational flow. Not to sound like an awkward mook. Actually, the akward penguin meme comes into my head as I write this.

perfect setup for flirting doesn't know how | Socially Awkward Penguin 

That's me when I see this guy and he makes the effort to come chat to me, or when I get a wink or a 'sweetie' or some cheeky remark from him. Feel like an idiot. But I do end up smiling. A lot.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Rambled into darkness

My moodiness amazes me. Yesterday I didn't leave the flat once: missed one of my favourite pastimes because I didn't want to be seen in public and was feeling utterly darkly depressed. Today I am pottering around the flat post-work and chattering to myself as I make dinner, feeling, if not on top of the world, at least a tad chipper.

The macabre thoughts of yesterday still threaten me every now and then and I know it's because of the helplessness I feel with regards to these skin issues of mine. I was always of the opinion that the whole idea of physical symptoms creating more severe psychological or emotional ones (or vice versa) was complete malarkey. I now know it to be true. The first way round at least. Yesterday my face was burning and fire-truck red in places, scritchy and flaky and I know that played an enormous role in my doldrums. Today it was slightly better, though far from great, but apparently even that momentary relief enabled me to be a bit more sunshiney.

I am waiting for a response from a dermatologist so that I can meet one so they can tell me things I already suspect and fear. At least I will know though. Assuming they have a correct diagnosis. Why do I fear it? Well, I cannot stand the idea of having another condition that is incurable and I just have to 'manage' for the rest of my life. It's enough to bring the macabre thoughts back.

Contemplating suicide is a strange thing, whether it's based on intent or merely an intellectual musing. The attraction is that everything will just stop and you wouldn't have to deal with the myriad of issues, insurmountable and insignificant alike, that you may (like me) feel around you. One the other hand, I personally would be scared of the pain, which leads to wondering about the least painful way to go. Plus I watch too many murder shows. On an equally upsetting note is thinking about those left behind and the notion that someone would have to find you. Knowing that you'd be causing someone a unique trauma like that is extremely uncomfortable. So then you wonder if you just leave a note and find a way to disappear yourself so that at the end there's nothing to find. That in turn would potentially cause more hurt because we as humans usually fear the unknown and our minds make up far more torturous explanations than what may be the reality. So, those who have the simultaneous guts and cowardice to do the deed, I don't know how they do it. Sure, I am quite bad at making decisions, but I would just think my way in circles. And the guilt. That'd be a killer.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Weekends are made for resting... Pah!

For someone who usually does nothing on the weekends, I find that every now and then I really enjoy a busy one. This one has been highly enjoyable.

It started off with one glass of wine that turned into four whilst chatting and laughing with the work guys at our weekly Friday afternoon post-meeting eats-and-drinks thing. I say afternoon since it starts at 4PM, but this time I only got home around 9PM, and I left early. Plans have been discussed to go sky-diving or gorge-swinging, but we will have to wait and see if that materialises. On a related note, I saw someone jump off the arch at Moses Mabhida Stadium today - it's ok, they were attached to a rope that swung them across. Seeing someone actually do it makes me more convinced than ever that they would have to pry my fingers from the bars were it me.

Anyway, Friday, yes. Good company, some wine, more wine, and a late night (for me) to bed. On to Saturday; the day of RUGBY! What a great, GREAT start watching the Springboks beat the Wallabies at Suncorp, Brisbane where we hadn't won since 1996 or something silly. The start was shaky but then it all came together and we played an amazing game of rugby. The team acted as a cohesive unit and I was so happy to see Willie Le Roux's first try of the tournament. I will be back at the pub by 9AM next Saturday to watch us clash against the All Blacks. Let's hope we keep the momentum! Can you tell that I am very proud to be a South African? :)

Admittedly the next two games I watched didn't go as planned: Blue Bulls won and the Sharks lost. The opposite of what I had wanted. Granted, our boys in black and white ("Nothing Else Matters") did manage to get it together enough in the end to get a bonus point and prevent the opposing team from having one. That match was played at the Newlands stadium in Cape Town and I have one thing to say to the majority of W. Province/Stormers supporters who attended: you lot are despicable examples of what spectators should be. Absolutely disgusted by your booing and unsportsman-like behaviour. Also, leaving half way through a match just because your team is losing, at your home ground particularly (as when a previous Sharks/Stormers match went differently), well, that's just pathetic.

Despite the game outcomes though, Saturday was a pretty good day. Who would've thought that I would enjoy being in a pub watching rugby for most of my day? I did. Granted, the enjoyment factor could have had something to do with the person serving me drinks and chatting every now and then. I think I might have a minor crush on the go.

To end off this weekend was a not-as-sunny-as-expected-but-still-good Durban Day. Eight Saffa bands performing live to a crowd of (so I'm told) almost 14,000 people, most with picnics, blankets and fold-out chairs with them. Ignoring the fact that they started a good hour and a bit later than advertised (gates only opened a full hour after the set time) the day appeared to be enjoyed by most and by me too. Perhaps it would have been more fun if a bigger group of friends had've joined, but there was nothing wrong with chilling with a best friend. Best band of the day for me was Mango Groove. SO SO SO stoked that I have finally seen them live.

So after a night-cap at the pub, my weekend ends on a sleepy note. Busy one next weekend too. Best let this week fly by...

Sunday, 1 September 2013

How to destroy the joy of a new computer....

...put Windows 8 on it.

Jeesh, what a horrible OS. I cannot wait until I can dual boot with Linux. As it was, first step after switching on my new beaut was to replace Internet Explorer with Firefox. Now I discover that in order to use Skype I have to have a 'Microsoft Account'. Why?! I want as little to do with Microsoft as possible. The only reason I will be keeping Windows on this machine is for a few games that aren't created compatible with Unix systems. I don't want to have to get a new account to use something I have been using without hassle for years. Microsoft, what is your problem?

I realise that these days there is the type of person who wants everything to sync with everything else all the time. I am not one of them. I want the choice. So no, I do not want to sign in with a Microsoft Account. No, I do not want to get trapped in the personal hell of SkyDrive and company-specific software and useless accounts that you are trying to make me use, just because you can. I can potentially see the plus-side of that god-awful 'start screen', again for those who are Microsoft-Mad and tablet-happy. But what about those of us who aren't? Why make us suffer?

Perhaps I should attempt to 'downgrade' to Windows7. It'd be an upgrade in my opinion. Windows8, you have ruined the joy I should have had at playing around with my new laptop. Ruined. You bastard.