Sunday, 20 September 2015

Dear Springboks

I woke up this morning feeling a tad worse for wear after the sorrow-drowning and still feeling a little sad about the apparent historic win for Japan (though kudos to them).

And then I thought about all of you, our men in green and gold who are hoping to wave the South African flag high at this world tournament, and I thought about how you were all feeling. Must be far worse than all of us back here at home. Please don't.

Yes, mistakes were made during the game and in the end Japan out played us. Us. We as a nation are still behind you. You are still ours and I for one am still very proud to support you - I doubt I am alone.

There are tonnes of memes going around taking the mickey out of the Bokke and the loss - the internet is nothing if not quick to find the joke. I've shared a few. We do it because we have the wonderful ability to laugh at ourselves. Sometimes it's to help us laugh so we don't cry in despair and frustration. But that passes.  Don't take them to heart.

I was certainly one of those yelling at the TV last night and one of those who
was stunned at the outcome. But this morning I was calm. And I hope you are all ok, and that you don't feel the pressure of our nation too badly.

What I would love is for you to draw support from each other, from all of us who are still behind you, still waving the SA flag like mad things. During our anthem at the next game, sing out loud, sing out proud. Draw energy from that beautiful song and the fact that so many of us back home get goosebumps when we see it sung on TV and hear the last two lines resounding around the stadium walls. We get energised from it - you should too. Take that energy, take our support and channel it into clean focus, drive and play the rugby we all know you can.

We're behind you, men. We love you. We're supporting you. The loss is not the end of the world.

Proudly South African. Proudly Bokke.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Messed up head rant

Wow. I am a bit of a mess right now. Stressed with less than 3 months to go until my PhD thesis needs to be submitted, uncertainty regarding where I'm to be living next year, heck, what I'll be doing for money next year. But mainly, I'm messed up (or my head is) because of a guy. And he doesn't even know it. Part of my being a mess is because if he did, he probably wouldn't care.

There are people in this world who get under your skin. Some irritate the crap out of you and you imagine them stepping in front of a bus. Some carve out a space in your proverbial heart and dig in. This means tearing them loose feels like it breaks you. And that's just it, sometimes you need to tear them out. It's like that scene in White Fang where he throws rocks at the wolf and screams at him to leave, for the wolf's own good. OK, not like that scene. In reverse maybe? Walk/run away from someone you care about and who means a lot to you, for your own good.

I've known this person for roughly 4 years. In all that time, we've probably spent less than a month in each other's company, all added up. And yet, I love him. Over the years I've been unsure whether it's a romantic love, or the love of friendship, or of someone you just care a lot about and want to be happy. Perhaps it's wafted through every stage at one point or another. I am no expert on the love subject, in fact I usually high tail it if I see it coming. At arms length is how I do things generally. So maybe this is all bolony.

The me being a mess part is coupled to my slightly obsessive personality, my over-analysing of everything, and this person having dug their way in, without even knowing it and me caring so much and wanting that to be a two way street. Boils down to the old adage of "if someone wants to be in your life, they'll make the effort". Effort. Simple world. Huge kettle of worms. We're told by our mothers and friends (hopefully) that we shouldn't settle and we shouldn't make time for people or hold on to people who don't invest the same amount of effort into us. I approve of that message, but it's so hard.

I have been in denial, or at least fake denial, for a while that this person doesn't in fact make any effort. And that goes for something as simple and innocent as maintaining a friendship and making time to spend time. I've been down this road a few times: saying enough is enough and "ain't no body got time for that", and yet every time I've caved. I've sent that first text. I've tried to say hey lets hang out, and been so stupidly happy when I've gotten a positive response. And I am facing that road again, except now I am pissed off. Mostly at myself for being here again. Scared that I'll cave again, because I do want this person in my life. But I'm tired of being second string to anyone and everyone, feeling like I'm 'in' when it's convenient for them or bored and everyone else is busy.

And I'm tired of feeling this damn needy. It irritates the crap out of me that I struggle to just rip the bandaid off and walk away. There lies a hope that I do matter, that I am of some importance and that if I just wait for the external circumstances to change and be right, then all the pretty pieces will fall into place and things will be fine. It's this hope that keeps me caving. And it hurts. And my defense mechanism when I hurt is to get angry. My goodness. I sound like a prat. I don't want to be needy. I don't like needy people. I don't like people who cling on when me as the outsider thinks it's way past time of letting go. I tend to want to klap them upside the head and tell them to wake up. So all this being said, I should probably be taking my own advice.

But my mind thinks back to a (brief) conversation about a month ago where this person said, unprompted in any way, the equivalent of "we should hang out, I'd love to spend time with you". And my hope soars that I'm just being irrational and emotional and hormonal and every other '-nal' excuse we women have for being silly. That I'm over-reacting to things said or not said. But then I remember that it's been at least a month since that was said with no forward movement from their end to actually hang out, and when I've (caved) started that conversation I've gotten excuses about how they're busy (yes probably are) and that it's difficult with others around (still not sure I get that) or just a down right conversation shut downer. Is this where I klap myself upside the head? I ask when is the time to admit that they don't really care and they're merely words, and decide that that's not good enough, and walk away? I know the answer. I just don't want to accept it. Guess that makes me weak. Why can't my mind just work in simple arithmetic, instead of making everything bloody vector calculus?!