Sunday, 29 January 2017

Sad and heartsore

Last night was rough. With two bottles of wine and a pizza, I experienced the most amicable, heart-rendering break up of my life. It was the rational, logical decision, and we discussed it thoroughly before coming to the conclusion that in the long run, we may just be too different. So, end it now before we start to resent each other over lost time. Logical. Rational. But it hurts quite a lot. Break-ups are so much easier when you dislike the other person, or you don't care anymore. Something like this though, when we both still care about the other, dammit. It's hard.

There was a lot of crying from both of us (he at least can cry with only water works, whereas I automatically get blotchy and snotty to boot). As I came into my lounge this morning, the aftermath of last night is still all around me: empty wine bottles, empty pizza box, crumpled up tissues everywhere. And I've started crying again. I feel a bit empty as well.

I'm not very good at letting go, so it's going to be a physical and mental effort to sever the ties, at least for a while so that we can let the emotions die down, and then hopefully find a space where we can still be in each other's life. My social circle is so small, and I've realised that he had become the person to whom I told the small things about my day.

I don't regret the last 8 months (and it was exactly that, as yesterday was our 8 month anniversary - the wine was meant for a different tone). I do, however, regret not fighting for this more when I had the chance. There is no point to "what if's", but my mind being what it is, I know they'll plague me for a long while.

Kyle, I wish you well; please know you were a wonderful boyfriend, and I'll miss us. You've set the bar by which any who follow will be measured.

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