Friday, 20 January 2017

Some self-motivation and self-awareness

Gosh. January 2017 is almost over. And I still haven't touched my Tardis x-stitch since June-ish last year. Regretting making it a x-stitch instead of going the tapestry route, but what's done is done and onwards it must be.

My projects for this year include trying not to hold grudges and to let go of emotional baggage. We'll see how that goes. Then there's the "not-letting-my-official-postdoc-project-slide", which ties directly into having better time management. The most important though? When the doldrums hit, try not to let them swamp and consume me.

Looking back at the latter half of 2016, I didn't want to admit it then, but I think depression, or something very like it, hit me like a bus. And I let it drag me with it. Needless to say, my relationships suffered, my work suffered, and I am still not the lovely bunch of sunshine I never was. Worst of all, perhaps, is that a particular bout hit me just as I was to leave for xmas vacation to visit the family, taking my boyfriend with me for the first time.

It wasn't good.

I was tired. I didn't want to speak to anyone, or have to entertain and be social. I just wanted to retreat to hermit-crab-like living and relax. Hindsight says I should have just cancelled all plans and stayed home alone; think I would have offended folk less that way. I didn't though. I thought I'd get over it, power through. Ha. Not that good at that anymore. I've lost either the aptitude or the will to fake it.

Needless to say I couldn't relax, and I came back home having done some damage to both my romantic and familial relationships. Problem is, although I knew deep down that it was bugging me and that I felt guilty, and really cared that I had negatively influenced those around me, on the surface, and at least a little further in, I just felt apathetic. A "what's done is done, oh well" feeling. I find myself having to actively push that aside and I hate it. The most in-the-world and energised I felt was on the drive home when we rescued a malnourished pup from the middle of the busy highway and the following 5 hours of looking after it and figuring out who could take it in (I was fully prepared to smuggle her into my flat, but that ended up not being necessary).

So.

This year, and all those that follow, has to be when I begin to fight it, and to fight the urge to stay asleep in bed all day with a brain of dull fog. And to not fight it with cocktails and wine. That kept me going in years past, but I know that's not a healthy way to handle it all. Plus, I'm too broke. Booze is expensive. Somehow, moving to within 300m of what was once my favourite bar has helped me stay away from it.

2017. More rugby. More positive vibes, or just fewer negative ones. More laughter. More progress on my hobby projects. Finishing what I start. Etc, etc.

Let's do this.

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