Sunday, 29 January 2017

Sad and heartsore

Last night was rough. With two bottles of wine and a pizza, I experienced the most amicable, heart-rendering break up of my life. It was the rational, logical decision, and we discussed it thoroughly before coming to the conclusion that in the long run, we may just be too different. So, end it now before we start to resent each other over lost time. Logical. Rational. But it hurts quite a lot. Break-ups are so much easier when you dislike the other person, or you don't care anymore. Something like this though, when we both still care about the other, dammit. It's hard.

There was a lot of crying from both of us (he at least can cry with only water works, whereas I automatically get blotchy and snotty to boot). As I came into my lounge this morning, the aftermath of last night is still all around me: empty wine bottles, empty pizza box, crumpled up tissues everywhere. And I've started crying again. I feel a bit empty as well.

I'm not very good at letting go, so it's going to be a physical and mental effort to sever the ties, at least for a while so that we can let the emotions die down, and then hopefully find a space where we can still be in each other's life. My social circle is so small, and I've realised that he had become the person to whom I told the small things about my day.

I don't regret the last 8 months (and it was exactly that, as yesterday was our 8 month anniversary - the wine was meant for a different tone). I do, however, regret not fighting for this more when I had the chance. There is no point to "what if's", but my mind being what it is, I know they'll plague me for a long while.

Kyle, I wish you well; please know you were a wonderful boyfriend, and I'll miss us. You've set the bar by which any who follow will be measured.

Friday, 20 January 2017

Some self-motivation and self-awareness

Gosh. January 2017 is almost over. And I still haven't touched my Tardis x-stitch since June-ish last year. Regretting making it a x-stitch instead of going the tapestry route, but what's done is done and onwards it must be.

My projects for this year include trying not to hold grudges and to let go of emotional baggage. We'll see how that goes. Then there's the "not-letting-my-official-postdoc-project-slide", which ties directly into having better time management. The most important though? When the doldrums hit, try not to let them swamp and consume me.

Looking back at the latter half of 2016, I didn't want to admit it then, but I think depression, or something very like it, hit me like a bus. And I let it drag me with it. Needless to say, my relationships suffered, my work suffered, and I am still not the lovely bunch of sunshine I never was. Worst of all, perhaps, is that a particular bout hit me just as I was to leave for xmas vacation to visit the family, taking my boyfriend with me for the first time.

It wasn't good.

I was tired. I didn't want to speak to anyone, or have to entertain and be social. I just wanted to retreat to hermit-crab-like living and relax. Hindsight says I should have just cancelled all plans and stayed home alone; think I would have offended folk less that way. I didn't though. I thought I'd get over it, power through. Ha. Not that good at that anymore. I've lost either the aptitude or the will to fake it.

Needless to say I couldn't relax, and I came back home having done some damage to both my romantic and familial relationships. Problem is, although I knew deep down that it was bugging me and that I felt guilty, and really cared that I had negatively influenced those around me, on the surface, and at least a little further in, I just felt apathetic. A "what's done is done, oh well" feeling. I find myself having to actively push that aside and I hate it. The most in-the-world and energised I felt was on the drive home when we rescued a malnourished pup from the middle of the busy highway and the following 5 hours of looking after it and figuring out who could take it in (I was fully prepared to smuggle her into my flat, but that ended up not being necessary).

So.

This year, and all those that follow, has to be when I begin to fight it, and to fight the urge to stay asleep in bed all day with a brain of dull fog. And to not fight it with cocktails and wine. That kept me going in years past, but I know that's not a healthy way to handle it all. Plus, I'm too broke. Booze is expensive. Somehow, moving to within 300m of what was once my favourite bar has helped me stay away from it.

2017. More rugby. More positive vibes, or just fewer negative ones. More laughter. More progress on my hobby projects. Finishing what I start. Etc, etc.

Let's do this.